Things I'll Never Say
by infinitehearts
Summary: AMERICAN IDOL.While trying to find a shirt to wear one morning, Kris discovers a list in Adam's closet. Debating on what to do, he decides to make a list of his own. Kradam. Last chapter up!
1. Chapter 1

This is a random story I thought of last night and it's been in my head constantly. I just had to write it.

Kris POV

I'm so not a morning person. Anyone could tell you that. I'm more of a sleep 'till noon, eat, then go back to sleep kind of guy. That's the only reason I hated _American Idol_, and I embraced it. Adam, on the other hand, is up at six-thirty. And being my roommate, he's the noisiest person I've ever met. I'm not much of a heavy sleeper so sometimes I'll hear him singing at the top of his lungs at seven while showering. And when he's getting dressed, putting on his make-up, and jumping on my bed to wake me up. I've gotten used to it, but this morning I almost punched him in the face, deciding that he just does it to annoy me.

"Hey, you don't know me like that!" He yells when I grab his arm from under my comforter. Laughter pierces the room, and I shove my pillow over my head.

"Go away."

He retaliates by yanking his arm out of my grip and throwing my comforter off. "Rise and shine! Time to get up and smell the coffee!"

"There's no coffee." I mumble, my eyes fluttering open slowly. His hands are on his hips, and he sighs.

"Oh, what am I gonna do with you?"

I sit up, rubbing my eyes. I stare at him for second, and realize that he's wearing twice the eyeliner as usual and his hair hangs more in his face to cover his whole right eye. Not bad if I do say so myself. Wait, what the hell? I push that disturbing thought from my head, and go back to being pissy. "How about you leave me alone."

"No can do." He says, shaking his head. "Then you'll go back to sleep and be late for rehearsals. And then I get in trouble for not waking you up."

Fuck, he wasn't gonna give up. "Okay, okay. I'll get ready." I swing my legs out of bed, and stand up. "There. Happy?"

He just smiles, his blue eyes sparkling, and walks away. I stare after him for a second, and shake my head, yawning.

"Thirty minutes!" He calls from the bathroom, as I lazily grab a pair of clean boxers and the jeans I wore yesterday, and pad over to him. He's sitting on the counter, playing with his eyeliner. Like he needs anymore. I throw my clothes next to him.

"Yo, I gotta take a shower."

"Yeah, whatever." He jumps off, and grabs his pajamas from the floor, walking out. I close the door and lock it, making sure that if he needs anything, he'll have to wait. It's payback for all the annoying shit he does to me. But he's not stupid. After all, he has a nail file, and he's not afraid to use it.

Well, my shower was the best part of my day so far. Adam didn't need anything, but he was singing "Whole Lotta Love" loudly, so that kinda took away my ten minutes of silence. I slip on my jeans, run a hand through my wet hair, and start my journey of trying to find a clean shirt. Most of them are dirty, and when I'm too lazy to do laundry, I just leave them all over. But then they get lost, and and I can't find them. They even ended up in Adam's stuff a couple times. He just laughs and tells me how he'd never wear that certain shirt even if his life depended on it. The search is not going as I wanted it to, and I've discovered that all the shirts I can find are dirty. We seriously need a maid. I glance across the room. Adam's clothes are all neatly folded or hung up in his part of the closet, of course, and I don't even dare to touch them or else he yells at me, saying that they don't belong to me. But today is an exception. Being that I just noticed that he isn't here, probably off asking Allison if she has more eyeliner because he's out, I run over to the piles of clothing next to his bed. After a few minutes of looking through them, I give up, finding nothing. I practically attack his closet, quickly pushing all the black clothes aside, which is most of his stuff, and again, walk away empty handed. I wonder if anyone will notice if I go to rehearsal wearing a rhinestone studded leather jacket. Yeah, probably. Adam would literally murder me for even laying a finger on it. There's a bunch of shit lying on the floor beside his seemingly hundred pairs of shoes, but I get down on my knees and look anyways. No harm in trying. For the third time, absolutely nothing. Now I'm starting to get pissed off. After throwing two pairs of boots across the closet, I sigh. But then something catches my eye. In the back left corner is an old shoebox. Curious, I lean in closer and grab it, setting it in my lap.

It's old, falling apart, and the cover says, "ADAM'S. DO NOT TOUCH", in thick black permanent marker. Whatever's in here must be really secret. I really want to open it, but that's crossing some kind of line of privacy, and then I'd feel like a shitty friend. I sit down, and debate whether I should look inside. Fuck, it's bothering me. I can't stand it when people hide secrets and then they don't tell you. It's drives me nuts. So, out of curiosity and really wanting to know, I slowly lift the cover off. I expect to see something shocking, but it's just a bunch of torn photos and folded pieces of notebook paper. I pick up a note, letter, whatever it is laying on top, and unfold it. Adam's familiar handwriting takes up half the sheet in black pen. I realize it's a list.

_**"Things I'll Never Say" by Adam Lambert**_

_1. __Kris Allen is amazing, talented, and beautiful in every way possible._

_2. He's my best friend in the whole wide world, and I wouldn't trade anything for him._

_3. I wish my personality were more like his: Cool, calm, and just fun to be around._

_4. I love how he makes me laugh until I can't breathe._

_5. If I asked him to marry me, I wish he would say yes._

_6. I want to kiss him so badly it's killing me._

_7. I wish American Idol would never end so I don't have to leave him. _

_8. His smile makes me melt._

_9. His eyes are gorgeous._

_10. I'm completely in love with him. Always and forever will be._

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Ok, the end of the first chapter. Ha,it's cute. Next chapter should be up soon, hopefully. Please review! :)


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for reviewing! Now on with the story!

Kris POV

My whole body is numb. I lightly grip the paper, my hands shaking. I would of never guessed it. All this time…he liked me? Still taking it all in, I stare at the words written before me, clear as day. Now I see why nobody could touch the box. So many thoughts are swimming in my head when I hear a loud singing, more like screaming, version of "Black or White" out in the hallway. Fuck. Time to panic. I quickly throw the list in the box, slap on the cover, and put it back where it was. I straighten his shoes, his other junk, and stand up all at the speed of light. I'm at my side of the closet, pretending to be looking for a shirt, when he walks in.

"Hey, you wearing a shirt today, or what?"

I turn my attention to him probably too quickly, because now I know I look guilty. "Um, yeah, I just can't find a clean one. They're all dirty."

He walks over to his bed, and sits down, not noticing that the neat piles of clothes next to his bed are all ripped apart, too. "Well, you better find one fast. We have to leave for rehearsals in like, ten minutes." He pauses for a second. "Are you sure you don't have one? They could have accidentally got mixed with my clothes." He leans over and looks at the piles, but doesn't say anything. He just shoves them around, and sits up with a sigh. "No luck, dude. But you could borrow something of mine for today until you wash your clothes tonight."

I glance at his side of the closet. He means the ones that aren't black? "But you hate when people touch your clothes, let alone wear them."

He shrugs, smiling. "You're my friend, man. I don't care."

Yeah, well, ok then. Maybe he won't care if he finds out I was going on a rampage through his stuff. Eh, on second thought, maybe he will.

"You don't mind black, do you?" He asks, moving over to his closet. Holy shit, he doesn't notice that either. My ass is saved. I shake my head. After thirty seconds of shifting shirts around, he pulls out a dark "Led Zeppelin" t-shirt. "This okay?"

I take it from him, smiling. "It's perfect. Thank you."

"No problem." He heads towards the door as I slip it on, and decide that it fits just right. "Come on, pretty boy, and lets get our asses moving. Allison and Danny will bitch again if we're late."

I silently laugh to myself, and join him at the door, completely forgetting about the paper and his crush for a while. It wasn't until we got back from rehearsals that I remembered, and the crazy thought of me feeling the same way popped into my head.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I finally kicked that thought out at supper, while trying to scarf down four slices of Domino's pizza. I know all those health experts say to cut carbs and not eat so much, but fuck it. I'm on American Idol, and it's been one hell of a ride, so why not get rid of the stress with food? Adam's seated next to me, chewing loudly on a buffalo wing drenched in blue cheese. I hate when he does that. Allison and Danny sit across from us, and we eat in silence. Today's rehearsal was okay, but it could have been better. Though I did hit some high notes that I didn't even know I had the power to do. Of course Allison sang perfect, Danny did well, and Adam almost shattered the windows.

"Yo, Kris." Adam says, breaking the silence, licking the buffalo sauce off his fingers, "Pass me a piece of cheese."

I reach over and grab one from the box and set it on his plate. He instantly devours it like he hasn't eaten in days. Danny stares at him in disgust and Allison giggles. I just go back to eating, ignoring Adam beside me. I've lived with him for a few months now, and nothing he does will gross me out. Anyways, it's kind of nice rooming with another guy.

After we finish eating and clean everything up, I immediately run to my room, being extremely tired. Adam follows me. I flop down on my bed, debating whether I wanna get up to change into pajamas, but then decide I don't. Adam sits at the end of his bed, back to me, pulling off his boots. He sighs, then takes off his jacket, setting it on his computer desk.

"Tired?" I ask, leaning on my elbow. He turns around to look at me.

"Sorta. Practice today was brutal. My throat hurts."

"Oh, really? I thought you were used to singing high."

"I am, it's just that sometimes when I sing to much…"

"Like this morning?" I cut in, grinning. He nods, grinning back.

"Like this morning."

"Then don't sing as much."

He gasps teasingly, and I start to laugh, knowing that was a stupid suggestion. He puts his hand over his heart, acting hurt.

"Me, not sing? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, Kris."

"I realized that."

He chuckles, and lies back on his bed, putting his hands behind his head. I can't help but stare.

"So..." He starts, smiling at me. I quickly look away, making sure he didn't see that I was staring at him. "Whatcha wanna do now?"

I shrug, turning over to lie on my back. "Um, I don't know. Sleep?"

"No!" He yells, picking up one of his pillows and hurling it at me. "Bad Kris!"

I throw it back, trying to keep a straight face. "What the hell did I do?"

"No sleeping, okay? It's only nine."

"But you just said you were tired…"

He shakes his head wildly, and I can tell he's trying to hide in laughter, too. "I said no such thing. God, Kris, I think you need help."

I sigh, closing my eyes. "Well, then you can just do something by yourself, 'cause I'm going to sleep."

"Come on, don't be all pissy." He huffs, and then there's a minute of silence. I hear rustling of blankets, and a quiet, "You're no fun."

I open one eye and watch him pull off his jeans. He walks into the bathroom, and it seems like an hour when he comes back out. Most of his eyeliner is gone and he's just in his boxers. And dammit, I can't stop staring! He sits down on his bed and looks at me, sighing. I immediately close my eye, praying that he didn't see me. So I pretend to snore very softly.

"Kris, Kris, Kris." He mutters loud enough so I can hear. "You're so lucky I love you."

There's more rustling and then it's completely silent. My eyes open again. The room is pitch black, and because of the silence, I can hear Adam's faint breathing. Then I think to myself, "you're lucky too, dude. It takes a lot of patience and friendship to put up with you."

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End of chapter 2…chapter 3 should be up…I'm still trying to figure out what happens next. Please review! :)


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks a lot to the reviewers of this story! It's much appreciated. Chapter 3 is finally up after like, a month. Sorry for the really, really slow update…I've been busy the past couple of weeks. This chapter is the last one, btw. It sorta strays away from the plot, but it just turned out that way. It has a tiny bit of angst in it, but I guess it's okay. I've had terrible, terrible writer's block for awhile and it screwed everything up. Not to mention, it's super long…but I'm gonna stop talking so you guys can read it. Anyways, enjoy!

Kris POV

The next morning I wake up to loud wailing noises. Well, a little bit more like being startled and almost falling out of bed than just waking up, and wailing combined with screeching. I lazily glance at my clock and decide that seven is too early to be getting up, so I just lay there, staring at the ceiling. Adam's still singing like his vocal chords will never stop working, and I clamp my hands over my ears. Thankfully he's not in the room. But damn, why does he do this to me? It's not like I make him suffer. He's still too loud, so finally I just yell, "Shut up!"

The singing stops, and I wait for a reaction. But there's nothing. "Adam?" I call, sitting up. "Hey, I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry." He shuffles into the room, carrying two tall piles of…my clothes? Fuck, I didn't do my laundry last night. He sets them on the end of my bed, and gives me an attempted smile. "I washed a load of your clothes this morning when I got up. It's mostly just the shirts I could find, but there's a couple pairs of jeans in there." He pauses and bites his lip. "Um, I'm really sorry for waking you up. Most of the time when I sing, I don't even realize I'm doing it. And now that I think about it, I've probably been annoying for the past couple weeks, so just tell me and I'll stop."

I sigh, collecting a fistful of my comforter. Dammit, now I feel bad. I keep forgetting that he's kind of sensitive. "Dude, it's okay." I say, waving it off. "I'm really bitchy sometimes if I don't get enough sleep, but I'm trying to break that habit. So if you wanna sing, go right ahead. It's not just me living here." I end my speech with a smile, and he returns the favor.

"Thank you."

I suddenly remember that I never thanked him for washing my laundry. "Hey, um, thanks a lot for washing my stuff. I'd have nothing to wear today if you hadn't. I'll make mental notes or signs on the door if I have to so I'll remember."

He gives me playful punch on the shoulder and stands up. "No problem, dude. Friends help friends out, right?"

"Right." Why is it that I can't break my grin? He gives me a nod, and turns around to walk away. "Hey, wait." I jump out of bed to stop him, and before I realize what I'm doing, I pull him into a hug. He doesn't do or say anything other than hug me back. And then that's when I notice I'm not tired anymore.

The front door slams shut behind us as we walk into the mansion after rehearsal. Adam makes no effort in taking off his boots and trudges up the winding stairs without saying anything. As I kick off my shoes, I hear Allison whisper to Danny, "He's been acting really weird today. I wonder what's gotten into him." I stop for a second, but pretend to not of heard it. I don't remember him acting that way. He seemed perfectly fine. I think about what Allison had said as I make my way up the stairs to my room, or known as "our room", as Adam likes to call it. I walk up to the door, and knock, knowing that he hates when people don't.

________________________________________________________________________

"Hey, it's Kris. Can I come in?"

When the last word rolls off my tongue, a loud noise comes from inside the room, along with an angry, "Fuck!"

There's more faint cursing, and then suddenly the door swings open. Adam stares at me for a second. "Sure. Why the hell not? Knock yourself out." He pushes past me, and quickly runs down the stairs. I notice he's holding the pointer finger on his left hand tightly. I watch him until he's out of view and then walk into the room. I notice right away that all the shit that was lying on his nightstand is scattered all over the floor beside his bed. My eyes automatically flutter over to the dark red blotches on his comforter. I look away, biting my lip. Allison was right. He was acting weird. I just wonder why I never realized it.

I'm sitting on my bed when, ten minutes later, Adam comes storming back through the door. He stops when he sees me, and the look on his face makes me believe he knows I was waiting for him.

"Um, hi." I say quietly, standing up.

"Hey." It sounds forced. I have no idea why. He walks over to his nightstand, and sees that everything is off the floor and back where it belongs. I had done that a couple minutes after I walked in so he wouldn't have to. Figured things weren't going well already.

"I cleaned it up for you." I slowly make my way over to him. His shoulders heave up and down as he sighs.

"Thanks…" He turns to me, his expression unreadable. "Look, I'm sorry I was being an ass earlier. I sliced my finger while trying to cut a loose string on my jacket, and my pocket knife slipped." He holds up his left hand to show me the two bandages wrapped around his pointer finger. "It's pretty deep and hurts like a bitch."

I nod slightly, wondering why the hell he has a pocket knife. "Ouch. Sounds like it does."

"Yeah, I kicked my nightstand in frustration. I think there's a dent in it." He leans over to glance at it. "Yep, it's dented all right. Damn my boots."

A laugh escapes my lips and he smiles.

"Thanks, Kris." He says, his dark blue eyes sparkling. "You always make me feel better."

I grin, and feel my cheeks suddenly get hot. "No prob." Shit, why am I blushing? This is not the time to blush! I turn away from him and walk to my bed, flopping down, hoping he didn't see me. But when I peek out at him from my pillow, he's smiling brightly.

"I saw that, you know."

Shit again. "No you didn't. You think you did, but your eyes tricked you."

He shakes his head. "Sorry, Kris. I saw it."

I finally just give up. "And?"

He smirks, brushing stray pieces of hair away from his face. "I can't say I've never felt the same way."

A few seconds after he says that, the random thought of the list pops into my head. It was completely gone from my mind today, but now that I think about it…I can't stop it from disappearing. Everything from the morning I found it, to actually holding and reading it. He was in love with me, and had been hiding it for so long. I'm still in my own little world, thinking about it, when something soft hits me in the face, knocking me back into reality. He's throwing pillows at me again.

"Earth to Kris, dude. You like, spaced out there for a minute. Looks like you were thinking real hard or something."

I grab his pillow and lazily toss it back. "Sorry, I was."

He catches it and then falls on his bed, sighing. "About what?"

"Nothing." No way in hell was I gonna tell him that I knew he was in love with me. That would probably be the biggest mistake ever.

"Oh, come on. If you were focused on it that much, it's gotta be something big." He pauses. "Is it a secret?"

I shrug, trying not to make it sound so important that he'll beg me non-stop to tell him. "Um, kinda. Yeah…I guess."

"Is it a super huge deep, dark secret?"

He's not gonna let it go. "…Sure?"

He suddenly bolts up straight, an excited expression plastered to his face. "Tell me, tell me, tell me! I love secrets."

"No, Adam. It wouldn't be a secret then if I told you. Besides, it's sorta personal."

He crosses his arms stubbornly. "Well, what if I told you that I have a secret?"

"Oh, really?" He wasn't gonna spill it. I knew that.

"Yes, I do. And it's a super huge deep, dark secret, too. But if you're not gonna tell me, I'm not gonna tell you."

"Then don't. That's the whole meaning of a secret. Nobody's supposed to know what it is."

He huffs, and lies back down. "Whatever. I guess my best friend doesn't love me as much as I love him."

"Adam, quit being dramatic. You freak out over everything."

"Oh, now it looks like my BFF is being an asshole. Now I have to go cut my finger again."

"Adam."

"Kris."

"If you're gonna be like this, I'm gonna go to sleep so I don't have to listen to you complain."

"You wouldn't."

"Watch me."

I yawn and turn on my side to face the plain white wall. I can feel his eyes burning into my back.

"I hate you, Kris."

Then I pretend to snore. It worked last night, and it's gonna work tonight.

"Seriously, Kris, I really hate you."

I continue to snore until he starts cursing under his breath, and buries himself under his comforter, muttering random words about me being an asshole. But his last sentence catches my full attention. I can barely hear it, but I realize what it is.

"Even if I did tell you my secret, you wouldn't believe me. You'd hate me forever." And with that, he stops and I can tell he fell asleep. I lie still for a moment and think about what he just said. I do believe you, Adam. I do. And I could never hate you. You should know that. But even if for some twisted reason, I did, I'd hate myself too for loving you back.

_________________________________________________________________________

Instead of being awaken my singing the next morning, I'm almost knocked off my bed at seven a.m.

"Kris, wake up!" Adam's shrill voice rings in my ears, and his fingers are currently digging into my shoulder, shaking me violently. "Wake up, wake up, wake up!"

I groan, my hand lazily flying up to push him away. "Adam, get out of here. And stop shaking me!"

"Then get up!" He gives me one last nudge, and starts to pull my comforter off. I try to grab it, but he throws it on the floor at the end of my bed.

"Dude, you're such a dick! I'm freezing!"

He gives me a bright smile, looking smug. "Thanks. So are you."

I roll my eyes, yawning. "Okay, fine. I'm up. You get what you want."

"Of course I do." He says, as I slowly get out of bed and stretch. I shake my head, noting that he's so annoying in the morning.

"Tell me why I'm still you're roommate. I'm surprised I haven't begged to move out yet."

He crosses his arms and grins. "Because you love me."

I glance at him over my shoulder and smile. "Oh, I do now?"

He smiles back. "Yup."

"Since when?"

"Since I said so." He pauses. "You always have."

"And why do you think that?"

He points to his head. "Cuz I'm smart. I know all."

"Right. Of course. Because you're the "Great Adam Lambert"."

"You're damn straight."

I chuckle, walking over to my closet. "Okay, whatever. You can think that. But I'm not calling you "Your Highness" or anything."

He laughs, as I pull out a dark blue t-shirt from the stacks of clothes on the floor. I'm too lazy to hang up anything.

"You don't have to. Just call me Adam. Your bestest friend in the whole wide world." He then runs over to me and practically squeezes me to death in a tight hug. I drop my shirt and lightly pat his shoulder, trying to breathe.

"Okay, Adam, I think you made your point."

He lets go, giving me a sheepish grin. "Sorry. Kinda got carried away there. I'm a happy person."

I smile, picking up my shirt. "I noticed."

There's a few seconds of awkward silence, and then Adam glances at my alarm clock. "Oh, wow. It's almost eight. I think I'm gonna go get some breakfast."

I nod, biting my lip. "Yeah, I better take a shower and get ready."

He swings his arms back and forth before turning around to leave. "See you downstairs."

"Um, yeah. Bye." I grab the pair of jeans I wore yesterday and a clean pair of boxers from my closet and head into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.

________________________________________________________________________

I pad down the stairs in my sock feet ten minutes later, hungry for breakfast. I walk in the kitchen, noticing that Adam's sitting at the big oak table, eating a bowl of Lucky Charms.

"Yo." He says with his mouth full. I give him a little wave, and open the cereal cabinet. It's a little high up, so I have to stand on my tippy toes to grab a box of Cheerios. I'm short, okay?

"Still not tall enough?" I hear snickering behind me, and I turn around, sneering.

"Hardy har har, Adam. Still not thinking of a good insult whenever I get something to eat and can't reach it?"

He drops his spoon in his bowl, milk splattering all over. "As a matter of fact, I haven't. So suck it."

I roll my eyes, grabbing a bowl and spoon. "Damn, what's gotten into you since like, fifteen minutes ago? You were all happy and hugging me and now you're all bitchy."

"I am not bitchy. I just don't like to be disturbed when eating."

I raise my eyebrows. "Well, you were the one who started talking to me." I make my bowl of cereal, and sit down at the table next to him. He has today's paper sprawled out in front of him, turned to the comics. He stuffs his mouth full of food and points to the "Garfield" strip.

"This one is my favorite. What's yours?"

Oh, so now he's starting to be nice again. But I guess that's just him.

"Um, "Dilbert", I guess." I don't know my favorite one. I rarely read the comics.

He smiles. "Oh, I like that one. It's funny."

I nod, taking a bite of my Cheerios. He lets out a loud laugh, grinning. "Oh, Garfield, you make me laugh."

"Adam, you're strange."

"Thank you. I take that as a compliment."

I open my mouth to say something, but then Danny walks in the room, interrupting me.

"Hey, guys. We have like, ten minutes before we have to go. Just so you know incase you didn't look at the clock." He says it all in one breath, and runs outs. We just stare after him until Adam returns his attention back to the paper.

"Okay, somebody had crack for breakfast this morning."

I smile, gulping down another bite of cereal. "I'll say."

We finish our breakfasts in silence and go get ready to leave. Danny and Allison are waiting by the front door. As soon as Adam sees Danny, he gives him a pat on the back, and says, "'Sup, crack boy?"

Danny gives him a confused look, while Allison giggles. "What?"

I laugh to myself, as we head out the door and to our cars. I get in, slam the door shut, and then suddenly realize I'm missing something. Where the hell are my keys? I search all my pockets, but no luck. I must have forgot to grab them before I came out.

"Missing something?"

I jump, and glare daggers at Adam for scaring the shit out of me. He's leaning over into my open window, shaking the keys in front of my face.

"Adam!" I yank them out of his grip. "You took them?"

"Yes, I did." His expression if full of satisfaction, and he grins.

"Why?"

"'Cuz I wanted to see your reaction. It's funny when you're mad, cuz you freak out easily."

"You're an asshole."

"Once again, I take that as a compliment."

I sneer, and roll up my window. He pounds his fist on it and shouts, "Why are you such a spaz? You know it's funny!"

I stick the key in the ignition, turn up the radio, and drive away. I glance up at the mirror when I'm a couple feet down the road. He's just standing in his place, staring after me. Fuck, I am a spaz.

He doesn't talk to me at all during rehearsal. Which is not a good thing, because I feel terrible about that whole key joke. I realized that he was only trying to have fun, and I totally bitched him out. While Allison was practicing, I tried to apologize, but he ignored me. Damn, why am I such a jackass? When it's his turn to sing, I notice he's gripping the microphone tightly, and he won't stop biting his lip. He avoids my gaze for a couple seconds, but then his eyes land right on mine. They're full of hurt. Why must I continuously forget that he's sensitive?

"I'm sorry." I mouth, and he just looks down at the floor. I see his knuckles turning white from holding that microphone so hard. A few seconds later, he holds his head up high, his hair hanging messily in his face, and starts to sing. I don't remember what the song is called, but it's really slow. I listen to the lyrics closely, and realize that he didn't pick it just because he liked it. It was talking about loving someone so much that you don't know what to do. Someone who's your best friend. Someone who loves that person back. Someone like me.

Ten minutes after rehearsal, I pull into my parking space in front of the mansion, and just sit in my car, staring at the steering wheel. Adam wasn't home yet, but as soon as he arrived, I would make him listen to my apology. Suddenly my phone vibrates on the dashboard and I immediately pick it up. A text from Allison.

Frm: Allison

To: Kris

Hey, saw u were home. Not to get personal or anything but r u and adam fighting?

I text back.

Frm: Kris

To: Allison

Um, sorta. Idk.

She doesn't answer and I throw my cell back on the dash and sigh. I don't wanna go back in the house. I just feel like hiding in my car. Adam pulls up into his spot behind me a few seconds after I think that, and I bite my lip, deciding if I should get out and talk to him. I watch him as he cuts the engine, stalks out, and slams the door behind him, looking extremely tired. But I don't move. Don't do anything except listen to my own staggered breathing and pounding heart.

_______________________________________________________________________

I sit out there for an hour, debating on what to do. I need to suck it up and stop being afraid of my best friend. Even if I am slowly and questionably falling in love with him. I drag my feet as I make my way up the driveway and open the front door. The T.V. is blasting upstairs and I know it's Adam. He always turns it up loud for no reason. I slip my shoes off and march up the stairs. He's lounging lazily on one of the white couches, peering at the T.V. I take little steps over to him and sigh.

"Hey. We need to talk."

He chooses to ignore me and keeps his eyes on the T.V. I walk closer, taking a seat next to him. "Adam, please."

He turns his head slowly and finally looks at me. "Hi. You wanted to talk, so talk."

I sigh again, my shoulders sagging. "Dude, I'm sorry. About everything. I know I freak out easily and I've just been stressed lately so it made it worse. I didn't mean to scream at you about the keys."

He bites his lip, letting out a deep sigh. "I'm sorry, too. I ignored you the whole time at rehearsal and I know how bad you felt." He pauses. "I've been stressed so much this past month, too, I guess. There's just something on my mind that keeps digging deeper and deeper until it drives me insane. It won't go away."

I nod, thinking about the list. And I know exactly what's bothering him. 'Cuz it's bothering me, too. He sets his hand on my knee and smiles.

"So, we're good?"

I grin back and without realizing it, my hand automatically moves to rest on his. I begin to pull it back, but he intertwines his fingers with mine and smiles. I let out a nervous laugh and I know my face is getting red again. Dammit, dammit, dammit. Now if he doesn't want me to find out about his little crush, this defiantly isn't hiding it very well.

"Dude, I-"

He cuts me off by pressing a finger to my lips, silencing me completely. "Shh."

I don't move a muscle and sit there as his finger falls from my lips and his hand slowly snakes around my neck. He starts to lean in closer and I go with him, not knowing what to do. Then our faces are inches apart and his lips gently brush against mine. Now my body is completely numb. I return the kiss without thinking, suddenly jerking our bodies fully together. His hand that's not occupied grabs a fistful of my hair, and to tell you the truth, I like it. Maybe too much. Because when I really start to get into it, he finally pulls away for air.

Breathing heavily a little bit, he lets out a quiet, "Damn."

I just stare at him, the thought of what we just did crashing into my brain. I inhale sharply, instantly looking away. Now my face is on fire and I feel like I might explode.

"Wow." He whispers, sinking into the couch, probably feeling insanely embarrassed, too. "I can't believe that just happened."

I nod, still not meeting his eyes. "I know."

He doesn't say anything else, and we sit there in silence, the awkwardness of the last five minutes filling up the room.

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I finally bolt out of the living room after it becomes too much. I lie and tell him I have to use the bathroom, but run to our bedroom instead, quickly closing the door behind me. I plop down on my bed, everything a blur. We just kissed. Made out practically. And here I am, hiding like a coward in my room. But as I sit here and think about it, I realize that I was hiding from a lot of things. Like the obvious chemistry between us, the list, his feelings, my feelings for God sakes. I didn't even see what was right in front of me. And it was the most important person in my life. Adam. I sit in pure frustration, deciding that ever since I found that list, everything's pretty much gone to shit. Wait. I stop in my state of anger and recall my thoughts. The list. If I was so pissed about revealing that I was in love with Adam by verbally and physically showing it, I was gonna do it a different way. I had the perfect idea.

Later that night after supper and Adam had fallen asleep, I decide to carry out my idea. Quietly, I creep over to Adam's nightstand and jack his notebook and pen. I retreat back to my bed and start to write.

_**"Things I'll Never Say" by Kris Allen**_

_1. Adam Lambert is amazing, talented, and beautiful in every way possible._

_2. As far as best friends go, he's defiantly my number one._

_3. There's not even enough words to describe how much he means to me._

_4. His laugh is the most adorable thing._

_5. Honestly, I would marry him if I had the chance._

_6. That kiss was one of the most amazing things that's ever happened to me. I could feel sparks flying._

_7. I'm dreading the end of American Idol. We'll see each other a lot after that, but it's not the same as waking up every morning knowing he's gonna be there waiting for you._

_8. I love making him laugh, his smile always brightening up my day._

_9. His eyes. Oh God, his eyes. It's like looking into a crystal clear pool of sparkling water. So gorgeous and sexy._

_10. I love him so much. And I'd like to thank him for making me realize it. And for that, I love him even more._

As I finish the last word, I'm flooding with happiness. I gently tear the sheet of paper out of the notebook, fold it in half, and sneak over to his closet. Pulling the shoe box out from the clutter of clothes, I take off the cover. I place my list on top of his, smiling. I put the cover back on and set it back in its place. The next time Adam opens it, tomorrow, in a week, or even a few months from now, he'll know how I really, truly feel.

END

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Well, I hope you guys liked it. I think it sorta went a little fast at some parts, but that stupid writer's block kept me from making it flow more. Please review! I really like to know what you guys think and it makes me happy! :)


	4. Chapter 4

Okay, I know the last chapter says it's the end but it's not. After some of you guys said you wanted another chapter, I got this idea for one. Now this one is defiantly the end. It switches to Adam's POV, btw. It's cute and fluffy, too! Anyways…enjoy!

Adam POV

When I got up this morning, I had mainly two things on my mind. The first one being that Kris didn't really run to the bathroom yesterday after we kissed. He went straight to our room. And how do you think I know that? I'm not stupid. He was hiding. The second thing is that he loves me. I've known it all along. It's now almost 7 a.m. and I walk out of the bathroom, fully dressed. Kris is still sleeping, of course, and I walk over to him. Smiling, I lean down next to his ear and blow in it gently. He stirs for a moment and I laugh, loving to mess with him.

"Hey, Kris." I whisper in a sexy voice, my lips moving from his ear to his cheek, kissing him softly. "Wake up…"'

His eyes pop open suddenly and he jumps, causing me to burst into a fit of laughter. He blinks a few times and peers at me.

"Adam, what the hell are you doing?"

I smirk. "Don't pretend like you didn't like it. You woke up excitedly."

"I did not. Stop making shit up."

"Whoa." I raise my eyebrows. "What's your problem?"

He yawns, stretching his arms. "Nothing. Sorry. Just…tired."

I nod, glancing at the clock. "Well, it's time to get up."

He groans and shuts his eyes again. "No…"

Suddenly, I get an idea. A brilliant one that will have him up in no time. I lean over him and crash my lips against his. His body jerks and then he's sitting up, kissing me back. A ha, I was right. Without breaking the kiss, he pulls me on the bed so I'm sitting on top of him. His mouth moves from mine down to my neck, biting gently on the tender skin.

"Wow, Kris." I moan, my hands gripping his bare shoulders. Finally, he raises his head to look at me. I grin.

"What?"

He lets out a deep breath and smiles back. "Thanks for waking me up."

I give him a light kiss. "No prob. I'm glad that I have the honor to do it. I bet you've never been woken up like this, have you?"

He chuckles, his expression just total happiness. "Nope. Never thought I would, either."

I give him one last peck on the lips and slide off of him, standing up. "Well, I like to think outside of the box. It's what makes me…me."

"Of course." He gets up too, and walks over to his closet, picking out his clothes for the day. "And I like you for that." He retreats to the bathroom and I follow him, pinning him up against the counter. He pulls away when I try to kiss him.

"Adam, I have to shower. I'm already ten minutes behind."

"Ooh, ten minutes." I say sarcastically. "Somebody help Kris because he's running a little late."

He sighs and crosses his arms. "Seriously, Adam."

I roll my eyes, heading for the door. "Okay, fine. I'll meet you downstairs."

He shuts the door behind me and locks it. I glare daggers at it before making my way downstairs. Why does he always lock it? It's not like I would ever barge in when he's showering… Wait a minute. On second thought, maybe I would.

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When he finally comes down the stairs, Danny, Allison and I are almost ready to leave for rehearsal. He bitches at me for missing breakfast for a good ten minutes and then when Danny yells at him to shut up, he starts ranting about how maybe he would if he wasn't so hungry. Can you tell me why I love this guy again? We set out for rehearsal with Kris muttering something about pop-tarts under his breath, Danny trying to slap him upside the head, Allison just staying out of it, and as for me, I can't stop laughing.

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I stayed up extra late tonight for one reason only. The little shoebox in the corner of my closet was begging for attention. I usually go through it once in awhile, but now that I'm on _American Idol_, I like to look at it constantly. Maybe it's because I've got a lot of things about Kris in there. Ever since we became friends, I found it amusing to keep track of the things he did. Mostly in pictures. I had so many of us together and I couldn't stop smiling when I saw them. When Kris fell asleep, I took out the box, sat on the floor, and threw off the cover. A piece of notebook paper is the first thing I see. Two, actually. There was only one the last time I checked and now there's another. I haven't put in anything else in awhile. Very curious, I pick it up and unfold it.

**"Things I'll Never Say" by Kris Allen"** is the first sentence, the first words that make me suck in a sharp breath. It's just like the list I had written about a month ago when I really fell hard for Kris. My eyes slowly scan the paper and I can't believe he did the same thing. I mean, I know he likes me, but I didn't think it was this deep. I read it over three times before it slips through my fingers and lands back in the box. I sigh, my face falling into my hands. Most of my brain still can't comprehend the discovery, but there's a tiny part that's screaming happily, "Kris is in love with me! Kris is in love with me!" I let out an almost inaudible giggle, feeling so relieved that he felt the same way. Since it's completely silent, my head jerks up when I hear a faint creaking noise. I turn to look behind me, and sure enough, Kris is standing a few feet away.

"Hey." He says, smiling, looking like he didn't sleep one bit. "I see you found the list."

I grin back. "Yeah, I did. I love it. When did you write it?"

He takes a few steps closer. "Last night. Put it in when you were sleeping."

"Oh…" I glance back at the box, surprisingly not even caring that he touched it.

"I'm sorry I opened the box, though." He starts, but I interrupt him.

"No big deal, dude. I'm glad that you did. It means a lot."

He gives me a bright smile and holds out his hand. I grab it and he pulls me up, pressing me close to his body.

"So." I say, smirking. "Do you really think my eyes are a crystal clear pool of sparkling water?"

He laughs, nodding, and presses his mouth to mine. I wrap my arms around his neck, making it more passionate. He pulls back a little bit, only to gently caress my cheek.

"Love you." He whispers against my lips, and I feel like I could burst into tears of happiness. Holding them back, I press my forehead to his.

"Love you, too."

He smiles and soon, we're kissing again. I've never felt this good in my life. It's the most amazing feeling and I wouldn't trade anything for it. Especially when the love of your life is holding you so tightly that you know you'll never come down from the high. And I'm a hundred percent sure I never want to.

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Ta-da! Like it? I sure do. I love these kinds of endings. Especially Kradam ones! *squeals in happiness* It's sad that it's finally over. But I enjoyed writing it. Please review! :D


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